The First Time With A New Partner: Expectation vs Reality

Jul 15, 2021
The First Time With A New Partner: Expectation vs Reality

Expectation Topics: It will be perfect; You won’t be nervous; You will both instinctively know what turns each other on; You will both orgasm; You won’t need lube...or protection; You can forget the foreplay.

When it comes to having sex for the first time with a new partner, things may not quite go according to plan. Here are some pointers to help manage your (s)expectations and make the experience as fun as possible.

Expectation: It will be perfect

Reality: real-life sex is messy and that is part of the fun! You may both have some nerves and be eager to please but you’ll have a better time if you embrace the awkwardness. One of you lets out a queef? Turn it into a joke and remind your partner that this is a good sign above all else. Laughing during certain sex sessions is a form of communication that can help you feel closer to your partner.

Expectation: You won’t be nervous

Reality: But why would you be nervous? This is not your first time ever having sex. And isn’t it better when sex is spontaneous? Even with experience, sex requires a certain level of trust and vulnerability. If you’re the anxious type (sex-related or otherwise) it could be helpful to go for a walk, do some yoga, or spend time meditating. And yes, sex is mostly spontaneous but it doesn’t do any harm to communicate with your new partner and make sure you both feel ready for this next step!

Expectation: You won’t need lube...or protection

Reality: You can be really turned on and still experience dryness, thanks to general life stress, condoms, ovulation or sex toys. Around 17% of women between the ages of 18 and 50 experience this problem at some point, so pack your favorite lubricant in your overnight bag. We think it’s also worth the reminder that unprotected sex with a new partner for the first time is not an ideal situation - it’s better to have too many condoms than none at all.

Expectation: You will have an orgasm

Reality: It’s great if you both have the common goal of helping each other to orgasm. But if this becomes your main goal, the experience could be less enjoyable. If an orgasm doesn’t happen, there’s no need to assume the worst. A recent study showed that just 18.4% of people with vaginas orgasm through vaginal penetration alone, while approximately 36.6% require clitoral stimulation. We advise you to talk it through calmly with your partner instead of feeling bad or faking an orgasm

Expectation: You can skip foreplay

Reality: While there’s a certain satisfaction in a quickie, when you’re having sex with a new partner it can be good to start slow. Skipping foreplay would be a shame, as kissing and touching each other, either with hands or toys, is almost as pleasurable as penetrative sex. Plus, foreplay is known to increase arousal so that you can experience maximum pleasure with your partner.

At the end of the day, it’s ok to feel nervous about your first time having sex with a new partner - trying anything new is stressful and we have unique sexual histories. If you feel overly anxious, spend more time building trust and talking to your partner about it.

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